Dear Penthouse & Dear Cosmo
by Scarlett Hauser
Summary: What if our fave Joes and Cobras wrote in to Penthouse Magazine? Get your brag on, boys! *Now including follow-up Cosmo letters by their female counterparts!*
1. Beach Head & Cover Girl

"Dear Penthouse" by Scarlett Hauser  
  
This is a follow-up to fic "Joe-ette's in the City - Chapter 13 - I Do's and Don'ts"  
  
Rated R for adult situation, language, and possibly offensive material suggestion.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to GIJOE, Devil's Due, Hasbro, and Marvel and all the usual disclaimers. I do not own any of the G.I. Joe or Cobra characters, blah blah blah. I also do not own the Penthouse or Cosmopolitan name and this is just a parody and I am not making profit off of it, blah blah blah. The only things I own are the figments of my demented imagination.  
  
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September 23, 2002  
  
Dear Penthouse,  
  
I am the leader for an elite Special Forces team. I always thought the letters in your great mag were fake, until I had an experience that changed my mind. One evening I was attending a friend's wedding when suddenly there she was. "Centerfold" (gotta change her name here for legal reasons to cover my ass) was the hottest bridesmaid you ever did see. Had long luscious legs and blonde hair that makes me long for yesteryears if ya know what I mean! Dressed in her bridesmaid dress and no bra, heh it wasn't the kind of dress that allowed for one, she challenged me to take her for the ride of her life and mine.  
  
I followed her into the corridor where she pushed me into the restroom and yanked me into a stall. Boy howdy was she hot for me! I thought, "This little vixen's gonna learn the true meaning of hot and nasty." As soon as I closed that stall door behind her it was ON! Heh, or should I say "OFF." Centerfold was all over me and she made it clear that she wanted it bad. Hey, who was I to say "no" right? She already had half my suit off so I returned the favor by ripping her lacey thong right off her hips. Yeah, she liked that so much that she shoved me down to the seat and straddled me then ordered me to show her my "huge talent." Of course I didn't have to oblige because she helped herself soon enough. She said "Jesus, General.you went commando at a wedding?" I told her, "Take it or leave it, Blondie." She said, "I'll take everything you got and then some, soldier- boy!" Yeah, she sure did all right and then some!  
  
So needless to say I proceeded to give her a lesson in saluting an officer and his flagpole that she'll never forget. As I eagerly look forward to our next "PT session," I must get back to the everyday life of fighting for America.  
  
I swear I'm not making this stuff up!  
  
"General"  
  
address withheld  
  
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Dear Cosmo,  
  
I was recently a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding. After a few glasses of champagne at the reception I started antagonizing a nemesis of mine, let's call him "General." I don't know if it was the champagne or the fact that he's built like an Adonis but the tone turned more sexual and I started getting turned on. So I walked away to collect myself and cool off but General followed me into the corridor and kissed me like I've never been kissed before. I don't know what came over me but next thing you know I pushed him into the restroom and forced him into a stall to have my way with him! And I'm really glad I did because it was the best sex I ever had, not to mention the hottest. I was aggressive and he liked it. It turned him on to no end. But I kept in control, told him it was just sex then kicked him out when we were done. I blew his mind away; you could tell that he's never had it like that before, which means he'll be back begging for more. I own that man now!  
  
"Centerfold"  
  
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	2. Duke & Scarlett

"Dear Penthouse" by Scarlett Hauser  
  
This is a follow-up to fic "Joe-ette's in the City - Chapter 10 - The Love Boat"  
  
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September 24, 2002  
  
Dear Penthouse,  
  
I am the C.O. for an elite Special Forces team. I always thought the letters in your magazine were fake, until I had an experience that would change my mind. I was attending a friend's birthday party on a yacht, smoking a cigar on the observation deck when lo and behold, "Red" my girlfriend of eight years and now fiancée appears with a bottle of champagne to start our own private celebration. I know what you're thinking, after eight years it's same-old-same-old. Not in this case, pal!  
  
You see, as a field commander I always have to call all the shots and take the big risks. But once in a while a leader needs a break from it all so it's refreshing and not to mention HOT to have the woman take the initiative and take the randy reins if you know what I mean. She took the cigar out of my mouth and made a couple of suggestive puffs for herself. I don't need to tell you guys how sexy it is to have a gorgeous woman put a cigar between her luscious red lips and puff. We all know where our minds go with that - every man's fantasy! Then Red, still holding the champagne bottle, insists that I "help pop her cork." Heh, never ask a Man of Action unless you mean it, baby!  
  
So needless to say after she, uh, "blew my mind" right there on the observation deck we played a few rounds of "Who's Your C.O." that she'll never forget. As I eagerly look forward to Red's next "sneak attack," I must get back to the everyday life of fighting for freedom.  
  
I swear I'm not making this stuff up!  
  
"Mr. C.O."  
  
address withheld  
  
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Dear Cosmo,  
  
I was recently staying on a friend's luxury yacht with my fiancée. It was my friend's birthday, which was a huge celebration but I thought I would slip away for a "private celebration" of my own. So I grabbed a bottle of Dom and headed for the observation deck to surprise my fiancée. Did I ever! He was smoking that stupid Cuban cigar of his and I told myself, "This is going to be too easy!" So I walked up and took the cigar out of his mouth and helped myself to a couple of puffs. You should have seen the look on his face, what is it with men watching women smoke cigars? Whatever it is, you can always count on their minds going "there" if you know what I mean. Just to drive his mind over the edge I insisted that he help "pop my cork" referring to the champagne bottle of course. Even called him "Mr. C.O." to let him think he was in charge. He was putty in my hands. Thanks to the predictability of the male mind I own that man now!  
  
"Red"  
  
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	3. Flint & Lady Jaye

"Dear Penthouse" by Scarlett Hauser  
  
This is a follow-up to fic "Joe-ette's in the City - Chapter 4 - Two's a Crowd, Part 2"  
  
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September 25, 2002  
  
Dear Penthouse,  
  
I am the W.O. for an elite Special Forces team. I don't want to sound cliché but I always thought the letters in your magazine were fake; that is until I had an experience that would change my mind. One night I let my long time girlfriend "J" have a night out with the girls while I stayed home and relaxed to watch a ball game. No biggie, I'm not the jealous type to think that J is going to run off with another guy just because I let her out of the house without my supervision. I'm secure enough to know that she's out to have a good time with the girls then coming home to me. But what I never expected was for J to come home and show me what happens on a "Girls Night Out" if you know what I mean!  
  
Well, it turned out that the girls went to a strip club that night. I'm sure you're thinking, "Yeah, so she saw some male-but-gay strippers then took out her jollies on you," so let me clarify that these were not male strippers. They saw FEMALE strippers, complete with their very own VIP dances! And let me tell you, J not only came home to me but she also showed me what I missed by staying home. She did this sexy little strip tease number and improvised the bedpost for her stage pole. And let me tell you, J didn't move like an amateur! Watching those little hips sway and rotate was downright hypnotizing then the way she swung herself around that bedpost - WHOO! After all these years I never knew that J had it in her but I've never been happier to be wrong in my life!  
  
So needless to say after she gave me a "private show" I'll never forget I showed her a few "moves" of my own if you know what I mean! Meanwhile, as I look forward to J's next performance, I must get back to the everyday life of keeping America safe from terrorism.  
  
I swear I'm not making this stuff up!  
  
"Mr. W.O."  
  
address withheld  
  
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Dear Cosmo,  
  
I recently had a night out with the girls when one of them insisted on going to a strip club. The club featured female dancers mind you. Not my cup of tea but it did give me an idea to shock my boyfriend, and teach him a lesson about being too tired to go out. So I came home and woke him up with a little strip tease performance and bragged about where I had been that evening. You should have seen the look on his face, the idea of his woman watching other women and getting dances from them, it was SO obvious his mind immediately went to the typical girl-girl fantasy. And the fact that he missed out on it was more than he could bear, not that it was even like that but of course I didn't tell him that. Men are so predictable! But thanks to that little fact I own that man now!  
  
"J"  
  
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	4. Destro & Baroness

"Dear Penthouse" by Scarlett Hauser  
  
WARNING: THIS INSTALLMENT IS MORE EVIL AND MAY BE OFFENSIVE!  
  
  
  
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September 25, 2002  
  
Dear Penthouse,  
  
I am the leader of a villainous Arms selling cabal. It would be cliché for me to mention that I have always believed the letters in your fine publication to be works of fiction, but lets just say that after my most recent encounter I no longer hold this belief. I recently bought my mistress, let's call her "Countess", a new Hermes riding crop for her birthday to add to her fine saddlery collection since she had broken her last crop - but, er, that is of no consequence to the story at hand. Little did I know that such fine equestrian gear were not limited to the use of horses. I shall elaborate.  
  
Eager to expand my horizons and find a release for the pressures of being such a villainous leader, Countess insisted that I help her break in the new riding crop. She said, "This fucking crop isn't good enough for my horse! It must be broken in first so get on all fours, bitch!" Naturally I obliged. As she proceeded to slam the new crop on my flank, the painfully delightful sting made tears well up in my eyes. She said, "Aw, is Countess's little girl going to cry? Well we're not having it!" I said, "No Countess, we're not!" Countess made me apologize by licking her boot. After an eternity of magnificent torture Countess finally deemed that the crop was broken in enough to use on her horse and allowed me to be pleasured. Not before chaining me up of course.  
  
So needless to say, this opportunity to "blow off steam" is exactly what the doctor, or should I say Countess, ordered if you know what I mean. Meanwhile as I tend to my flesh wounds I can go back to my everyday life of weapons development with a clearer head.  
  
I swear I'm not making this story up!  
  
"Dirty D"  
  
address withheld  
  
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Dear Cosmo,  
  
My darling but very powerful boyfriend was recently having troubles in the bedroom. He was under tremendous stress and was about to blow a gasket, which was affecting his ability to perform. Naturally, such poor performance is unacceptable to me so I decided to take matters into my own hands. Using my new riding crop, I took the position of power and made him my bitch. I was every bit the ruthless leader he was and then some, and he enjoyed experiencing what it was like to suffer at the receiving end of that wrath. Finally able to release himself from his high-pressure position, he was able to perform up to par in the bedroom again. The best part is that since I am the only one who knows where his "pressure valve" is, I own that man now!  
  
"Countess"  
  
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	5. Cobra Commander

"Dear Penthouse" by Scarlett Hauser  
  
WARNING: THIS INSTALLMENT IS MORE EVIL AND MAY BE OFFENSIVE!  
  
  
  
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September 26, 2002  
  
Dear Penthoussssse,  
  
I am the leader of a world terrorisssst organization. Would it be cliché for me to ssssssay that I always believed the letterssss in this magazine were fake until a reccccent encounter changed my mind? Of coursssse not! Here's what happened: I ssssent one of my vipersss to retrieve a ssslave girl I had been eyeing, Selina (and YESSSS, that's her name! What's she going to do, ssssue me? Haaahahahahahaaha!!!!!!). I waited for her in my chambers and greeted the lucky girl in my ssssilk shirt, Fruit-of-the-Loom underwear and knee ssssocks. The chicks find that irresissssstible and Sssselina was no exccception!  
  
Yessss, she was quite taken with me and I with her she looked sssssso young. Not that I'm a pedophile or anything like that but she was a real "Lolita" fantassssy if you will! Well I'm assssuming she's over 18 but it's not exactly like we check ID for sssslavery, haaaahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!! Yessss, she told me how much she liked my ssssocks and procccceeded to "do my bidding" if you know what I mean: "Marvelousssss, excccccccellent, I am quite pleassssssed! Don't sssssstop!" I told her. Yesss, she was so eager to please and a slave's work is never done, hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!! Then it happened: I sssstarted to cry! "MOMMY!" I sobbed uncontrollably as she held me in her bosom. Yessss, sometimes a world terrorist leader just needs a hug. I revealed the face under my mask and she sssstarted to cry too then we had a long cry together. It wassss beautiful. I let her keep the sssssocks as a memento of our time together. I know it must have been sssspecial to her too because she wore them all the time after that unforgettable night. I'm sure it's not jusssst because the temperature is unbearably cold in the sssslave pens. Pricccccccelesssssssss.  
  
Meanwhile as I await my nexxxxt opportunity for world domination and sssslave girls, it's prison sex for me.  
  
I sssssswear I'm not making thisss stuff up!  
  
"Serpent in the Can"  
  
Club-Fed  
  
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